Happy late New Year! And late Happy Holidays, too!
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, lets move on to the reason as to why I’ve been gone. It’s simple as: too busy, too unmotivated, and too uninspired. It’s hard thinking about stuff (stuff that will eventually be written down and posted for all eyes to see) that other people could relate to. Harder when it’s about things so personal and thus inherently unique to one’s own experiences. But hey, if you’re reading this then there’s gotta be something on here that you can sympathize with, right?
Moving on, as you can read from the title I’ll be talking about social anxiety and my experience with it. Along with New Year’s goals and plans and grandeur proclamations of change, it seems that my social anxiety greatly intensified in both frequency and strength (like, a helluva lot). Just today it took almost 3 hours for me to muster up the courage to leave the house! And that’s not even adding up the extra time it took for me to get 100 feet away from my front door; I kept trying to find a reason for me to back into the safety of my room but alas it seems I had prepared myself well for this venture into the wild that we call society.
Once I was finally outside and at my destination, I was instantly consumed with this feeling of shame and embarrassment from seeing, you guessed it, people. I had chosen just the right moment to brave the world when everyone seemed to be heading out for lunch or milling about. Maybe I’m over exaggerating but I swear that there were at least twenty people by me at any given time. I hated it, oh I absolutely hated it. Mainly because I felt that they were all looking at me, judging my clothes, my pasty skin (that was even pastier from the sunscreen I had to wear because surprise! when your pale you have to wear it unless you want to get burnt) and most of all I felt that they were laughing at me the moment they slipped out of my range of sight.
Sure, that last one might be the paranoia and anxiety talking but lets be real. Our hearing becomes hyper sensitive to listen in on every passerby’s conversation to hear if they were talking about you, or worse, insulting you. It’s like we turn into this bat-human hybrid (sorry Batman) where we become blind to the real world and only focus in on what we perceive as true– and for people like me, the truth hurts.
God I need to get on medication. Who knows how badly this anxiety will spiral out of control.