What the world teaches us ugly girls is that there really isn’t anyone you can trust and rely on other than yourself. No one makes our lives easier (because who would go out of their way to help someone they find a little gross or weird) and actually, most of the time people tend to make our lives harder. Sometimes it’s not even the crazy, everyone-is-looking-at-you things that people do to you that make you shake in shame and become all meek and mousey like.
While registering for classes during my freshman year at university I got all caught up on trying to figure out how to even find a class. Of course none of the advisers or “helpers” came around– in fact I held my hand up for a solid 10 minutes but the girl who introduced herself as a volleyball player (with the legs and fitness to prove it) got help not even a minute of lazily swinging her wrist– and I was left alone to figure out just how to get a Chem 101 class. Long story short I spent two hours with my face pressed up against the computer screen and didn’t notice when my freshmen orientation group stood up to leave. The guy next to me– who I thought I was getting along well with, I even helped him find his required classes for his major– didn’t bother to let me know or even tap me on the shoulder to come along too. By the time I noticed, my group was completely gone and I had to bite down my anxiety enough to go up to another orientation group’s leader and ask where my group was. I couldn’t read his mind but I was sure he felt pity for the poor girl who got lost (and whose presence was so insignificant that no one in her group and her group leader didn’t even notice she was gone).
I bet I looked like a freaking crazy woman running around campus trying to find my group like some kid at Disneyland for the first time who got separated from their mommy while looking at overpriced Mickey dolls. It took a little under 10 minutes but I found them; thankfully I didn’t run into anyone, I didn’t need to embarrass myself any further.
Ultimately I found my group but no one bothered to look, the group leader didn’t even notice me sliding my way back into the group and maybe that was a good thing because if I had been gone for a little longer I would have gotten into some serious trouble. I tried going into that orientation with an open heart, wanting to start off fresh and new but the whole ordeal made me feel really small and by the end of it all I just wanted to go home.
When I did get back to my room all I could think about was the fact that no one cared enough to say a simple “we’re leaving” to me, not even a nudge. The whole orientation was filled with “how to find your community” and “making connections with people is a crucial part of your university career” but all I could feel was being left out, again. The part where I ran around like a mad woman or even the part where I had to go up to another group weren’t what got to me (because when you look like me you get used to doing embarrassing things eventually) it was that I really didn’t make a single friend at all during orientation. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to make any worth while friends, yet again.